The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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