and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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