The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
