I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
