I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
