How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
