I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Randomize
