Ambien. No doubt about it.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
