Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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