nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize