wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
