Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
