It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
