Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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