He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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