Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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