I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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