You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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