I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
