Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Randomize