just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
farters have to be the big spoon...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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