I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
