Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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