gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
