I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
