Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
