I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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