Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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