wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
