Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
