her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
