Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize