I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
this is an emotional support booty call
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
