So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I will pee on everything he values.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
