im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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