Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
