Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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