What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
