go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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