Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
