I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
