I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
