Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
