Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
