Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
