I'm laying in your front yard are you home
wanna go halves on a baby?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
