there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
