Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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