you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
