i wish starbucks made bloody marys
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
