Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
