This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We need to rekindle our bromance
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
