Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
