giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
