That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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