pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
