dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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