I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize