Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
time to smoke my breakfast
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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